Self-Reflections!

To be brutally honest about my life, I never used to do morning routines. I never woke up to fill my gratitude journal, to do my yoga, then to make some really good coffee and a healthy platter of breakfast and start my day on a very positive note. The only thing I did each morning was to groggily roll over my bed and open the application named "Outlook" on my phone to check my work emails. And there it started; my day, planning all the tasks I would have to do and acknowledging all those emails. And then while doing my yoga and working out, all my mind could think of was those pending emails.

According to all the articles I've read recently on this subject, says that it is the worst possible thing you can do for your productivity and I had started to feel the exact same thing. Being a database consultant in an IT firm is quite a worry as your inbox keeps flooding with urgent emails from your clients throughout your day. And it very much makes sense - it's hard to get your day on the right track when you start it with a livestream of what other people want from you. 

I really wish Outlook would've scanned through our inboxes and prioritized the emails based on their importance. Like, "Email from Mark requesting a solution not in your scope exactly. Auto-forwarding it to the other team." Or say, "Diana needs the report ASAP. Based on past requests from Diana, you've 2 weeks to complete." However, the reality check here is that it all comes to you without any tags - it is you who needs to sort them out into different categories of importance.

And to say the least, checking off emails/task lists no matter how trivial they are, is very addictive - at least to me. Completing and responding to emails gives me a shot of dopamine each time.

However the ramifications can be quite a bit of this ticking-off-list mentality when it comes to leading a healthy and balanced lifestyle. So I vowed for a week that I wouldn't open my email until I start my work. Did I survive? Let's see..

On the very first day, my instincts threatened to ruin my plan even before it started. I almost reached over and grabbed my phone and stopped myself in the nick of time. I jumped out of bed and started my day. However, I couldn't stop thinking of those "URGENT!" emails that I was missing out during the entire morning. And then when I started my work that day, and checked my emails, the only thing I realized was that I had received almost 20 emails and zero of them were urgent.

The next day, my much calmer mind allowed me to do my workouts with limited anxiety. And as soon as I opened my emails when I started my work, I was immediately able to distinguish between the important and the trivial ones and could really make a plan to execute them in order.

As the days passed, my ability to prioritize the tasks at my work and also to make time for other important personal things improved. I now had time for my health, my family and also my work and could do each of them with dedication and could put my whole heart and mind into them. I've now learned to compartmentalize my life into professional and personal boundaries. I've now learned to live in the present. This has not only made me more efficient at work but also improved my health and relationships to a great extent. I am also able to do the things I love without getting distracted at my leisure and this really helped improve my overall mental health. (When I say this I really mean it because I am writing my blog after a year most of which I've spent checking out work emails at my leisure!)

So, going forward I will definitely stick to this and do things during the time when it needs to be done. I will do my yoga and workouts in the morning which renders me with immense joy. I will whole-heartedly cook my meals and eat them without letting my mind wander to things I have to accomplish in the future. And when I start my work, I would accomplish my tasks one after another quite fervidly. 

It is quite surprising how a little bit of self-reflection which we often tend to shun, can change our entire lives and our surroundings for the better.

Dream catcher eyes...

 

The command of the fear coiling further into anxiety,

'What shall she become? and how?' fretting she.

While the mind sees the moment is just to live,

And makes a promise out of it..

That pensive soul sitting in the corner

Somewhere contemplates the course ahead.

It's been a while,

That she had been her.

With the urge of winning in life,

Saving herself from an unknown,

she ran into another.

'What shall she become? and how?' fretting she.

Dreams that go unfulfilled

while life takes us along,

Remain in her twinkling eyes

mirroring the starry sky above.

Just look up and tell me,

what do you see?

Oh! Dream catcher you,

Tell me,

Why do you let them slip?

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Puerile Delusion.!!

I looked at the wide gape of her mouth; I wasn't cynical about her senses being paralyzed. Her muscles went numb, they didn't move an inch. It was a drop of sweat collapsing from her temple that made me feel there was another life in the room - she stared at me like a droid.
             I smiled at her, she was the only sibling I had. She was the elder one; she was all, me and my parents had. Ours was a happy little family. But the thought of her dying gave me goosebumps, I again smiled at her. We are the best of friends so much that we don't need words to communicate. Our eyes did a lot more than mere words. She would die a bitter death but it isn't an age for that. I cursed our God for letting her die. The thoughts of her heart trying to cease and she trying to get a way out of it to live, to love and to be loved, seemed pathetic to me. I closed my eyes and let my fear fall but then when I looked at her, I again smiled.

It was half past noon when mum came running down from the stairs. She was howling in such a poignant manner that dad stood up and gave me a barren look. I could tell by his expression that he was sure of Katie's death. We three ran upstairs into her room, each wishing for the best. We lost our Katie forever. Mum was unable to afford such a pain; she collapsed in front of me, smothered. I hugged her tight and took her to her room, because now she was  my responsibility. Dad was still standing stiff and looking at Katie.

I placed mum on the bed and kissed her softly. I went back to Katie's room and stood beside dad, looking at Katie, my only sister. The bullet has gone straight across her heart pouring blood  from the little hole in her heart I made; had it been her brain, I couldn't have had been sure of her death. I looked at dad, tears came flowing out of his eyes, I held his hands because now there was no Katie and it was my responsibility to look after him and when he looked at me, I again smiled - because now all the toys, the dresses and the love wouldn't have to be shared. They were solely mine. I would now get new dresses, new toys and new love. And give Katie a little share from mine, just the way she used to give me till today. Mum and dad are mine now. Katie is now just a memory to be cherished.

And so when I looked at Katie, I again smiled.

 
   

The Souls Unlike.!

I am the richest soul alive in the New York City. I jumped in triumph when I got my very first modelling contract. I was on the top of this world. The thought of travelling the whole world, me as a super model, the thought of the fame I was going to have, the thought of the lakhs of paparazzi encircling me and trying to get a single hint of my lifestyle, made me that jubilant person I have always dreamt about. I knew I was born to be famous, I knew I was made to be rich. I have that handsome looks that any man would die to have for, I have that dashing looks that can make any girl go weak in her knees. I am the dream of the dreamers….…..

……..This was the first time in the past 3 years that I am here in my hometown to meet my family.  No sooner than I arrived, I stumbled into a beautiful face that I once knew. Ah! She is the girl whom I dumped for better reasons of my life. She was my girl. I looked her closely while still sitting inside my posh car. We had a cute relationship; she was the cute pretty girl with whom I could share anything and everything of my life, she was the one who loved me irrespective of what I was.  She had loved me with all her soul. But I wanted something more, someone prettier. She wasn't the one I wanted. So I dumped her before flying to the New York City to have my awaited king-size lifestyle……..

………I waited till she disappeared from my sight. I waited for her to look at me and smile, if not smile, at least look at me. I was the man she had loved truly. But she didn’t look at me for once. Not a single time she even tried to look at me. I wasn’t habituated with such an attitude, neither from her, nor from anyone in this world. I was the super model, one of the richest person alive.! And yeah, she was always excited to be with me, when we were a couple. We were so happy. I was so happy.!  She has changed, yeah she has. Or is it that she got someone better than me?!  Better than me?!! Huh!! I must be kidding.!! Why am I even waiting for her to smile at me?! Am I insane?  I am a super model, and she?!  Well, she is nothing compared to me; I just can’t smile at anyone and everyone.

I was on my way back to home from my office. A slender big posh car caught my eyes. I looked at it in awe. I have given every second of my life to my career, to be a good engineer. I can afford a car very soon. I was happy with that thought.  I had to buy a car and give it to my mum.  A little more hard work and I can surely achieve my dream. I was deep in thought just when the face of a handsome young man got me struck. For a moment or two, I was blank- I was completely blank in my mind. I looked at him smiling at another man. Was it that fake smile which I knew once? He is the man- err, or would I say that guy, I am in love with. He is that person who dumped me three years ago because of prettier women. My heart began thumping aloud. Somewhere within myself, I still loved him, I still thought about him, whether he misses me or not; but the answer had always been no. I have seen him in the news with his current girlfriend, she too a super model; the third girlfriend in two years and I have cried some more then.  I am nothing in front of her looks. He got whatever he wanted in his life- fame, money,  women prettier than me. He is happy. I cannot be the person who crosses his mind even for a second. I wanted to flee, I wanted to hide. I looked away from him………..

…………I hastily walked passed by him. I didn't look back at him. I knew I would be again having those deadly nights, crying for him. But maybe I was wrong. It wasn't  a minute after seeing my  mother waiting for me with a smile, that I forgot about him, that I saw him after 3 years, the guy whom I loved like anything- I forgot about him.! I was deep into my normal present life. I am a happy girl now, which I couldn't be when I was with him ever. Love cannot be one sided ever. I am satisfied with my life now, I am so happy now. His presence, his fake smile, didn't do much to me. I am happy that I am overcoming my past.  I finally realized I am the happiest when single; without him…….

……It’s tough to fall in love more than once. But if it happens, it’s simply magic. And I believe in magic. I have fallen in love with my life....!

Dear Deer!!

"Mom!! Where are you?!"

"Mom!! Where the hell are you, mom?!" I screamed as I pushed open the door of our home, panting heavily after running fleet-footed for more than 15 minutes now.

"Huh! Mom, Meenu! Meenu...." I collapsed into her arms sobbing helplessly just when I saw her.

"What happened Moti?! What happened to Meenu?!"

"I can't find her mom. We were together, we were playing. But now I can't find her, ma!" I hugged mom again.

"What? How? How can that be possible,Moti?!"

"We were playing mom, when we heard a gunshot! We started running, we were extremely terrified. I think it was those humans you told us about!" I gushed out the whole story to her.

"Did you see anyone,Moti? Any big thing within which those men where sitting or anything?!" Mom asked me.

"No. I looked all around but I couldn't see anyone but Meenu told we should run."

"It was a trap! I think it was a trap, Moti!" Mom looked horrified.

"What trap, mom?!"

"Trap of the lions! Are you sure you didn't hear their roars?" 

"No mom, we didn't."

"Hmmm.... Don't stay alone here,come with me Moti. We will go out now. Be with me, and never leave my side. We will find your sister. Don't worry!" Mom smiled but I still sensed the panic within her.




Mom was completely panic-stricken; she wasn't talking to me anymore. It was already night when we returned home and mom sat on the floor with a thud!

"I have already lost your father, Moti! I cannot afford losing your sister! Why do we deer have to be so careful always?! I wish she never went playing today!!" I saw mom crying like a baby.


After midnight when mom was in the other room I slipped out of my blanket and slowly crept towards the door, peeped and saw mom sitting sadly on her bed. I knew mum would kill me if she ever gets to know what was I planning to do right then. But the situation was worth taking the risk. I slowly unlocked the door and went out in the dark. I couldn't see a thing in the inky dark jungle. I was petrified but I had decided to return home only if I get Meenu. I was the only man in the family and I would do anything to save my sister.
                             I started walking with a vim in my eyes. I have already walked for more than 10 minutes when suddenly I felt someone holding me from back. I stopped and my heart beat leaped to a high.

"Don't scream, its me, Moti!" 

I stood deadpan for some more seconds until I heard its voice again.

"Moti, I'm Meenu! Look at me." 

I looked back with a reflex and hugged her. "Man, where were you?! Are you ok Meenu?! Where did you go?!"

"I was hiding bro. Some men, do you remember mom told us about them, those men, ran after me, Moti! I kept running to save my life but that wasn't enough. They had guns and a ummm.... a.... you know a very huge thing, they were inside it.... wait , oh yes, a car with them....!"

"A car?! That's called a car?! How did you know that? Mum didn't tell us that!!" I interrupted her.

"I heard them shouting, bro. They said - don't stop the car. We will miss this deer! I was petrified bro. I was dying. I would have died if I hadn't got a place to hide. They couldn't spot me as I hid between the rocks."

"Ohh.. Meenu, I'm such a careless brother." I hugged her again.

"Cum'n it wasn't your fault bro. It was me who wasn't careful. I didn't follow you even when you always told me to! I'm sorry brother." she cried.

"My little sister has grown up! First she hides herself and escapes from those men and now she is talking like her own mom! Wah wah! I like that!" I pinched her.

"Haha!! Thank you. Where's mom?! Is she ok? She must be worrying about us?!"

"She doesn't know I'm here. Mom is fine. Lets go back before she finds out!" I pulled Meenu behind me.



We slowly crept into our room and saw mom sleeping and crying silently. I was just going to call mom, when Meenu stopped me and went towards the bed. She gestured to me to keep completely quiet and suddenly shouted at the top of her voice - "MOMMMMMMMMMYYYYYYYYYY!!!!"

Mom turned around and looked blankly at her.
"What?! Won't I get a hug?! I missed you so much!" Meenu was smiling at mom.
"Huh! Meenuuuuu...... Wow.... Meenu.. You're back!!" Mum jumped out of the bed and hugged Meenu.

I leaned on the door and looked at them as I heard my brave sister saying - "Yeah! Mom.. It is called car.... Look, you don't know this yet and I came to know it! Hahaha!! I told you I am special,mom!.......... No mom, it wasn't there. Well, I don't know where exactly is that but definitely there were no lions! I didn't see them anywhere................... I kinda enjoyed it mom, like an adventure, na mom?! Wow.. I mean wowwww!!!!..... I am a hero Mom, I am a hero!!!!......" 









This post is a part of Write Over the Weekend, an initiative for Indian Bloggers by BlogAdda.

Mephitic Desire!!

My mind constantly kept on digging into the past as I opened the empty almirah and stood deadpan, in front of it.

"I was tempted. I was just tempted,Dikshu. I never meant to leave you, ever." I recalled Pritam's fretful face.

My heart began to cripple again. I cannot end my 11 years of marriage, may be Pritam needed another chance. I cannot live without him. I closed my eyes as I felt a tear drop on my hands. 

I had just gone to the panipuri stall with Minakshi when a lady got down from a white Hyundai car, that just resembles ours. She was too gorgeous wearing a little red dress and high heels. I had always wanted to wear these short dresses but neither did Pritam like them nor did he approve. I gazed at her style and the way she carried herself! I was in awe. "Wanna have one like her?!" Minakshi pinched me, "Let me buy you one, Pritam will not know!" 

"Huh! No,Minu! I'm a mother. And Pritam doesn't like it!" I said and again looked at the car. A man got down and hugged her from behind. My jaws dropped after what I saw then. The man who hugged her was my husband, my very own Pritam. They walked towards the mall. I felt my knees tremble. I started running after them hoping myself to be completely wrong. But I knew I wasn't wrong when the man in the suit cried out - "Diksha?! What are you doing here?!"

"I love her, Diksha! Stop crying like a fool. Look at her and look at yourself. She is gorgeous!" shouted Pritam, the same night.

"But I'm your wife. How can you cheat on me?! You can't do this!" I cried, trying to keep him only mine.

"Don't shout. I'm busy now. We will talk later. Let's make it at peace!" I heard his cruel voice.

"What? What at peace?!"

"Divorce. Look, there's no point in staying together anymore!" said he, holding my shoulders.

"Divorce?! Are you mad?! You will leave me for that girl!!" I shouted, trying to control my tears.

He looked at me blankly and then went into his room and closed the door behind him.

I closed the almirah and sat down on the bed weeping again. I tried to distract my mind but it kept running away to those injured memories. Pritam has accepted that he had made a mistake and that he only loves me. He's no more with Naina. Will I give him a last chance?

I got up and took the photograph out from my suit case. It had Pritam and me smiling happily,with Pritam holding our little Shreya. I kissed on it and kept it on the table. I signed the divorce papers and kept it beside the photo frame. I read the letter again which I wrote last night - "I am sorry, Pritam. Look, there's no point in staying together anymore. Its over. Be happy!" and kept it there too. 

I took Shreya on my lap, dragged the suitcase down the stairs and opened the door of our home, I mean, our house! My mind gave up on giving anymore chances to Pritam even though my heart clasped to our memories. I stepped out of the door with the hope of a new start!

This post is a part of Write Over the Weekend, an initiative for Indian Bloggers by BlogAdda.

Making 1 Year!! :)

Yes! Time can fly! It was on the same day one whole year back, when she decided to create this lovely notebook for herself, for her life! And here I proved to be the best companion she ever had. I saw her crying, I saw her laughing,I saw her thinking hard to write something and then again scratching it out but yeah, I never ever saw her getting irked and I saw her growing! And I never knew how this whole year went past by! So, here's wishing myself and her a lovely 1st Year Blogoversary! :D





Thank you for supporting and loving me! Oh yeah, she told me to mention one more thing and that is, without You, We are nothing! :)